Now Showing: This Summer’s Hottest Movies, Reviewed by Someone Who Naps

There was a time when going to the movies meant a quarter, a bag of popcorn the size of your head, and a hard wooden seat you never once complained about. Today it means reserved recliners, a small loan for a soda, and a sound system engineered to rearrange your internal organs. And yet — we keep going. Because the multiplex, for all its assaults on the eardrum, is still one of life’s great pleasures. Here’s what’s worth leaving the house for this summer, reviewed honestly by someone whose favorite part of any film is the moment the lights dim enough for a discreet nap.

Ground Rules

A Few Words on the Modern Movie Theater

Before we get to the films, let’s set expectations. The seats now recline so far back that sitting down is a commitment and getting up is an event. The volume is calibrated for a demographic that has never once said “could you turn that down.” And the previews run roughly the length of a domestic flight.

None of this is a complaint. It’s reconnaissance. Arrive early, claim an aisle seat for strategic bathroom access, and bring a cardigan — they cool these rooms like they’re storing produce. Now. To the main event.

The Reviews

This Summer’s Lineup, From Someone Who Remembers Fifty-Cent Matinees

The Odyssey — the three-hour flex

Christopher Nolan, the man who once made a movie that ran backward, has now adapted Homer’s Odyssey — a story so old you may have suffered through it in a high school English class you’d rather forget. Matt Damon plays Odysseus, trying to get home from the Trojan War, which takes him ten years, several monsters, and a run-in with a Cyclops. Tom Holland, Anne Hathaway, Zendaya, Robert Pattinson, and roughly every actor in Hollywood round out the cast. It’s rated R, shot in gorgeous IMAX 70mm, and it is loud. The good news: you already know how it ends. The better news: it’s the kind of grand, sweeping spectacle that reminds you why the big screen exists. Just visit the restroom first — Nolan does not believe in short.

Spider-Man: Brand New Day — the one the grandkids will drag you to

Resistance is futile. At some point a small person you love will insist you accompany them to this, the fourth Spider-Man movie starring Tom Holland, and honestly? It’s a good one. It’s rated PG-13, runs a manageable two hours and twenty-five minutes, and the plot centers on Peter Parker living in a world that no longer remembers who he is — a premise every one of us understands the moment we walk into a room and forget why. Mark Ruffalo turns up as the Hulk, and Jon Bernthal lends some muscle. It’s warmer and more grounded than you’d expect. You may even tear up. Blame the popcorn salt.

The Magic Faraway Tree — the wholesome outing (opens Aug. 21)

If the superhero volume is too much, here’s the gentler grandkid option. Based on the beloved Enid Blyton books, it follows a family that moves to the countryside and discovers a magic tree that whisks the children off to fantastical lands. Andrew Garfield, Claire Foy, and Nicola Coughlan headline. It’s sweet, it’s colorful, and — crucially — it’s the kind of pleasant that will not judge you if your eyes close for a scene or two. A restful, low-stakes afternoon at the movies. What a concept.

Mutiny — the reliable dad-action pick (opens Aug. 21)

Jason Statham. That’s the review. But for the record: he plays a man who witnesses his boss’s murder, gets framed for it, boards a cargo ship, and proceeds to avenge everyone while uncovering an international conspiracy. Will he squint? Yes. Will he win a fight against improbable odds? Also yes. There is a deep, restorative comfort in knowing exactly what you’re going to get. Statham has been ageless for twenty-five years, which frankly is more than the rest of us can say.

Michael — the one you can now watch from your recliner

Missed the Michael Jackson biopic in theaters? Good news for the homebodies: after a record-shattering run that made it the highest-grossing music biopic ever, Michael starts streaming on Starz on August 10. Jaafar Jackson — the King of Pop’s real-life nephew — plays the lead. Watching from home means you control the volume, you can pause for a snack, and no one charges you nine dollars for a beverage. This is the future, and the future has a bathroom down the hall.

The truth is, none of us go to the movies quite the way we used to. We plan around it. We pack a cardigan. We time our beverages like a NASA launch. But settle into that absurdly reclined seat, let the lights go down, and for two hours the years fall away and you’re a kid again — just one with better seats and a superior understanding of when to use the restroom. Save us an aisle spot. We’ll see you at the show.